How exhausted parents can get more time with their kids during the holidays

How exhausted parents can spend more time with their kids during the holidays

Written by Julia Felton, Crystal Cederna & The Conversation US

The following essay is reproduced with permission. The Conversation is an online publication covering the latest research.

Holidays are often portrayed as picture-perfect moments. It shows a family happily united around a table full of seasonal food against a pretty backdrop. For many parents, trying to meet such unrealistic expectations can take a toll on their self-esteem and sanity.

In the real world, after eight days of Hanukkah, parents are juggling more activities than there are candles on the menorah. It’s easy to fall into the trap of survival parenting, an approach that focuses on just getting through the day. When you need to bake holiday cookies, you don’t have time to teach your kids how to crack eggs.

About supporting science journalism

If you enjoyed this article, please consider supporting our award-winning journalism. Currently subscribing. By subscribing, you help ensure future generations of influential stories about the discoveries and ideas that shape the world today.

As mothers ourselves, we understand that these events can feel like just another holiday. We are child psychologists and mental health experts who work with children, adolescents, and their families to support a realistic and healthy approach to parenting. We know what’s on a parent’s list. And fortunately, this wish list is easier to fulfill than many moms and dads think.

Current status of childcare

US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued recommendations in August 2024 calling for rapid resuscitation of parents’ health. Murthy, along with scientists and parents, recognize that the stress of modern parenting is having a serious impact on the physical and mental health of caregivers.

Dr Vivek Murthy expresses concern over reports that nearly half of parents feel overwhelmed by stress on most days.

Today’s mothers and fathers are busier and more isolated than ever. A report released in April 2024 by the Bureau of Labor Statistics found that nearly two out of three married-couple households in the United States have both parents working. For single-parent households, the number of employed parents increases to just over 3 in 4 mother-led households and just over 4 in 5 father-led households.

Furthermore, data from the 2022 Household Trends Survey shows that the majority of parents do not have formal child care support, including 35% of parents with children under 5 and 54% of parents with children between 5 and 11 years old. I found out that I haven’t received it. This is undoubtedly driven, at least in part, by rising costs and an increasing lack of daycare options.

In our experience as clinicians and mothers, children are just as busy as ever between school and extracurricular activities. It’s no wonder parents go into survival mode, trying to get everything done and demanding the same from their children and others.

The science behind “survival parenting”

Our research shows that focusing solely on spending the day with your children increases stress and leads to harsher parenting behaviors.

When mothers and fathers are in survival mode, they are more likely to make loud demands or criticize their children’s actions, rather than thinking deeply about the consequences of their actions. Stressed parents are quick to criticize small things that prevent them from achieving their immediate goals, such as spilling flour on the floor. And they are slow to notice and acknowledge their child’s strengths, such as an interest in helping in the kitchen.

The result is more stress and less joy in parenting.

Like all good research ideas, this one came from our own experiences. During the COVID-19 pandemic, even the most well-meaning fathers and mothers, including us, are struggling to break out of the trap of survival parenting amidst isolation, overschedules, and life stress. We noticed that. We find ourselves desperately trying to get everything done in the same day without any support, and we encourage our children to stop rushing, to stop wandering around, and to stop making mistakes. I did. We lived in the moment instead of thinking deeply about the long-term consequences of our actions.

Recent epidemiological studies show that we are not alone. Parents with children at home were, and still are, depressed, anxious, and burnt out. These challenges negatively impact relationships with children and their mental health.

In fact, one study from our team found that when parents have strong reactions to stress and experience symptoms of depression, their children are more likely to control their strong emotions and suffer from depression. It will be expensive.

Ironically, this is the exact opposite of what parents worked so hard to achieve.

Strategies for enjoying vacation with kids

Luckily, bringing the joy back into parenting this holiday season—and any time of year—is easier than most recipes on Pinterest.

In our research and clinical practice, we’ve found several strategies to help parents slow down, get more rest, and attend to their own needs. If you find yourself shifting into survival mode, take a step back from your to-do list and try the following:

• Shift your thinking from reacting to what’s happening in the moment to focusing on the greater experience and future you’re trying to create for yourself and your family. For example, if your goal is to enjoy time with your kids, consider including them in your holiday preparations. If you remind yourself what you’re actually trying to get out of each activity, the fact that the cookies are baked doesn’t really matter as long as you bake them together.

• Reconnect with friends and relatives who are also struggling to raise children and ease the physical and emotional burden on each other. This might mean bulk cooking, carpooling, or delivering coffee to friends. Interacting with people you genuinely enjoy for the purpose of laughter, joy, and connection can go a long way in supporting your overall health. Make time in your day, not your week or month, to connect with your social support system. Even better, it allows you to replace unnecessary to-do list tasks that drain your energy.

• Be careful not to get caught up in scary “shoulds” like “I should be able to do all this cooking myself” or “I should be able to complete this task in an hour with two kids in tow.” “Shoulds” can be motivating, but if you don’t meet the standards you set, they are replaced by a feeling of parenting failure. Instead, replace “should” with “I’m trying” or “want to”, as in “Today I’m trying to finish wrapping presents” or “I’d like to play with my kids for 10 minutes uninterrupted.” I think so.”

• Imagine what you want your vacations to be like five, 10, or even 20 years from now, especially with your kids. What can you see and hear? Who is there? How do people feel and interact with each other?Future research by our team will examine how parenting behavior changes by extending the time horizon and considering how current actions shape the future. It is suggested that it can be improved.

After five years, it’s unlikely that children will remember the cleanliness of the floor, but they may remember how they felt at that moment.

Memories of cookies accidentally baked with salt instead of sugar will age better with laughter and love than with frenzied re-baking.

The secret is to remove the pressure of living in the present and refocus on the future you want to create.

This article was first published conversation. please read original article.