How to tactfully ask your child’s friend’s parents if they have a gun in the house

How to tactfully ask your child’s friend’s parents if they have a gun in the house

Written by Sarah Novak Edited by Gary Stix

Marian Betts admits that this conversation can feel awkward at first. Bringing it up could even be seen as questioning the appropriateness of someone else’s parenting. But Betts, a mother of two teenage girls who lives in Denver, Colorado, says she regularly asks other parents about gun security because of the ubiquity of firearms in American homes. I’ll tell you that I’m there. In fact, she’s been doing it ever since her kids started having playdates and sleepovers 10 years ago.

Many parents either don’t realize they should ask about guns or are too embarrassed to ask. In a study published last month, Pediatrics More than 60 percent of Illinois parents surveyed by researchers have never asked another parent if there are unlocked firearms in the child’s home before inviting their child to play. Understood. This is an alarming statistic considering that nearly 20% of unintentional firearm deaths among children under 14 occur at a friend’s home.

Betts, a professor of emergency medicine at the University of Colorado School of Medicine and an expert in firearm injury and suicide prevention, has seen first-hand the harm guns can do when left unlocked in the home. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. A total of 2,526 children and teens died from gunshot wounds in the United States in 2022, according to a report released in September by the Johns Hopkins Center to Combat Gun Violence.

About supporting science journalism

If you enjoyed this article, please consider supporting our award-winning journalism. Currently subscribing. By subscribing, you help ensure future generations of influential stories about the discoveries and ideas that shape the world today.

A simple conversation can go a long way in preventing accidental deaths. Betts said the gun question is one of several safety topics parents should discuss before a playdate, from food allergies to unsupervised pool access, marijuana, alcohol and adult supervision. It is positioned as one of the But the most important debate concerns access to unlocked guns. Betts taught himself to have these conversations because he says he can’t predict exactly who will become a gun owner. “Our stereotypes about gun owners may be wrong,” Betts said. “In a country where up to 40 percent of adults live in homes with guns, we cannot ignore politicians’ yard signs or their chosen TV news stations.”

Non-gun owners may think it’s arrogant to ask about guns, but, perhaps surprisingly, gun owners Research shows that people welcome conversation. People in the focus group who own guns say talking about gun safety is actually very important to them. “The expected friction prevents people from having conversations,” Buttrick says. “But once you actually have the conversation, it’s much more well-received than you imagined.”

Non-gun owners may feel out of touch when asking about safe gun storage because they don’t know what it means, he added. The ideal method is what’s called a triple-secure vault, where the gun is locked and removed while the ammunition is stored separately. Buttrick says knowing what you’re looking for before you ask can reduce anxiety before the conversation.

Additionally, a study published April 8 in PNAS found widespread displeasure with unsafe firearm storage within the gun-owning community. The survey found that even Republican gun owners did not want their neighbors to have ready access to unlocked and loaded firearms. And people who know that the person living next door doesn’t keep their gun in a safe, or at least don’t have a chamber lock on their pistol, are likely to be less willing to interact with that neighbor. high, said study lead author Justin Sola. He is an assistant professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. This consensus holds true for both “red” and “blue” voters, regardless of whether they themselves are gun owners. “If you don’t store your gun safely, there will be penalties against your neighbors,” Sola said. He argues that there is a universal aversion to unsafe storage that both gun owners and non-owners can agree on, all of which could facilitate conversations between parents.

Another good strategy is not to ask if an individual has a gun, but to assume they do and directly ask if the gun is securely stored, says Johns Hopkins University. said Paul Nestadt, an associate professor of psychiatry at , who focuses on gun deaths. and suicide prevention. The question is not whether we should judge someone for owning a gun. It’s whether those guns are locked away from children’s access. “Ask more innocuous questions, like, ‘How do you store your gun?’ People feel less defensive, so they’re more likely to be honest,” says Nestadt. says Mr. If you don’t have a gun, all you have to do is say so, and if you do, the data shows they’re much more likely to want to talk about how you store your gun, he said. added.

For children and teens, the risks of unlocked firearms extend beyond gun accidents to imminent threats of suicide, increasing by 21 percent for that age group from 2019 to 2021. And for some parents, their teen’s mental health may be a more reassuring starting point. For conversations about firearms. Many parents are unaware that suicide is the most common form of gun death in the United States. “We know that teens are notorious for being impulsive, so guns should be locked away and not accessible to children without supervision,” Betts said. says. Additionally, parents should talk to their children about what to do if they encounter a gun at a friend’s house. Simply put, leave the room and call your parents immediately. This may seem obvious, but it may not be so for children who have never handled a firearm.

Many parents may think that their teens don’t have access to guns at home, but the reality is that kids know lock combinations and where guns are hidden. A study published in the March 2021 issue of JAMA found that while 70% of parents report that their teens don’t have access to a home gun, only three in ten actually know how. 1 or higher, emphasizing the need to take necessary safety measures.

Although mass shootings account for a much smaller proportion of gun deaths than suicides, they can be devastating in communities where they occur. About half of school shootings are committed by current or former students. And three-quarters of the time, the weapon came from the shooter’s home or the home of a friend or relative.

After all, parents end up having a lot of sometimes uncomfortable conversations with other parents, teachers, and caregivers. This is not because parents want to do it, but because they are trying to keep their children safe. “Imagine something happened, and it happened because you were too embarrassed to ask,” Betts says. “I think that would be terrifying to me.”

If you need help

If you or someone you know is struggling or considering suicide, you need help. Call or text 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or use Lifeline Chat online.