Less than 48 hours later, I was sitting in the sunshine at an outdoor table at my favorite wine bar, waiting for my date to arrive. 15 minutes passed as I sipped my rosé and watched the people around me. “How much time do I have if I’m late for a date?” I texted my mom, to which she replied, “Maximum 30 minutes,” along with a string of angry-face emojis. At the 26-minute mark, I texted him to ask when he’d be arriving, then called a few minutes later. He didn’t answer.
After 30 minutes, I got up and headed home, blinking back tears. I paid the bill and felt humiliated as I walked past diners and drinkers enjoying the summer evening. Once home, I changed out of the black dress I’d chosen, washed off the makeup I’d excitedly applied earlier, called my mom, and finally burst into tears of frustration.
What on earth happened? I told him I’d left the bar, adding, “I was feeling really sick.” There was no reply, no call. Just a long, heavy silence.
This wasn’t a first date. This wasn’t a stranger. I’d met this guy on Feeld three months prior. The timing wasn’t ideal for me; I’d just frozen my eggs and recovered from surgery, leaving me weak both physically and mentally. But I also felt like I deserved to be treated better.
Dating culture is becoming selfish, how can we improve it?
At first, the messages flowed. We talked about our shared love of gardening, books, and food. It was the first time I’d felt excited about someone since ending a vague relationship that had left me hurt and disillusioned by dating. It was time to break down the defensive walls I’d built around my heart.
Our first date was great: wine, good conversation, kisses, confessions of mutual attraction, and plans to meet up again. But then things started to change. He wasn’t messaging me as much as he had in the beginning. I knew life would get in the way — he’d get busy, he’d get sick, he’d have to work — so I didn’t give up on him right away. Still, it felt pretty awful. As a disillusioned dater, I knew this wasn’t a good sign. He was definitely distancing himself. I’d been there before, and I knew the direction I needed to go in. Just when I’d finally accepted the fact that I’d never hear from him again, he messaged me asking when we could meet up. I can’t stress this enough: totally, totally.
In the end, I sent him this message: “We’ve talked about dating again, but to be honest the signals I’m getting are hot and cold and I can’t help but interpret them as disinterest. I’m not sure if this is a good thing in terms of communication style, as I usually need more consistency in the early stages of something to keep me interested.” I wished him luck and hoped he would understand. The next morning, he replied amicably and apologized for wasting my time. I archived the chat and moved on.
A week ago, while on holiday in France, I opened WhatsApp and saw the dreaded “1” next to “Archived.” Thinking it was another group chat notification, I casually opened the archives and saw a message from the guy mentioned above. It was a picture of the pub where we had our first date, along with the words, “You’re walking past a crime scene.”
My best friend was sitting next to me at the time so I leaned over and showed him the message and he said, “I’m blocking you.” I should have listened.
I replied and we started again. I kept thinking about him after it ended. I felt like I was throwing myself away if I didn’t explore things and give him some leeway.
Mashable After Dark
For the next 5 days, we messaged each other morning, afternoon and evening. He would say goodnight to me, and the next morning, when I woke up and opened my phone, there was a message. I wonder if he understood the word “consistency” that I used earlier?
He seemed to be thinking about a date this time. We talked about marriage, kids, and our future lives. I thought this was a red flag. But he’s in his late 30s, so these aren’t necessarily off-limits topics at this stage in our lives. Looking back, I think I was naive to wait so long for a second chance. One minute he was talking like he was my future husband, and the next minute he wasn’t even going to show up for a date.
Back in the UK, we made plans to meet for a glass of wine at another bar (not the one at “the crime scene”). He said he had an appointment at 5 but would be done by 8. He said he was having a beer in the sun and sent me a picture of his dog sunbathing in gorgeous weather.
As you all know, it was past 8pm. I hadn’t heard from him since. Shortly after, I tried not to give him any suspicion. Emergencies happen, things go wrong. I didn’t convey the true gravity of my disappointment because I wasn’t sure if something serious had happened.
I poured myself a gin and tonic, and Brat Full throttle.What else can a girl do in this situation?
The next day, I woke up because I had been sleeping particularly lightly and had to relive what had happened. I ran through different scenarios in my head. Did he lose his phone? Did he get drunk and fall asleep? I called my friends and told them how I felt. To this day, I still don’t understand. I’ll never know what happened that night or why he treated me the way he did.
When I tell my readers that I was at the forefront of the dating app industry, I truly mean it.
As a single woman in my mid-30s, the hardest thing is not giving up on dating.
Ironically, I just finished writing a book about the state of dating culture and why it feels so painful right now. When I tell my readers that I’ve been on the front lines of the dating app scene, I mean it. As someone who’s been writing about dating and relationships for over a decade, witnessing the evolution of online dating, and reading endless online discussions about dating, I’ve had my share of disappointments, bad experiences, and complicated, confusing relationships. This isn’t the first time I’ve been stood up. It’s exhausting.
For years, I took a break from dating. I would delete apps only to re-download them months later. I wondered if there was something wrong with me, if I was too nice, too forgiving, too demanding. When I was really down, I let my anxiety get the better of me, believing the negative voice in my head that told me, “If only I was thinner, prettier, better looking, this wouldn’t happen.” A lot of therapy helped me change this thinking.
“I was hiding.” How it felt to be blocked and cancelled by a Hinge date.
Seriously, last-minute cancellations are painful, but they’re a blessing. This guy showed me his true character. Last-minute cancellations suck, but in many ways, he saved me from a much worse fate.
I believe everyone should do what they need to feel emotionally safe when dating, and that’s not as simple or straightforward as saying “you have to put yourself out there,” because, honestly, the last thing I want to do right now is open a dating app.
It takes tolerance to believe in the goodness of people, even after witnessing their worst.
For me, love isn’t the be-all and end-all. It’s nice to have, but not essential. I’m very happy with my life the way it is.
But what gives me hope and strength is knowing that I deserve to be treated so much better than I’ve been treated. It takes strength to be vulnerable and put myself out there knowing full well it may end in tears. It takes perseverance to hold on until I get what I deserve. It takes generosity to believe in the goodness of people even after witnessing their worst.
I’m guarding my heart for now, but I plan on getting “out” again soon because I don’t want to succumb to the dating app culture.
