I never imagined that dating apps could make me feel guilty.
But there I was, sitting on my sofa, worrying that, to paraphrase the indie-pop band London Grammar, I was wasting my youth.
It had been a tough week, to say the least. I was sleep-deprived and anxiety was swirling. At that moment, the last thing I needed was a quiet, rejuvenating night to do nothing. I was hiding under my blankets on the couch when my phone started flashing like a lighthouse on the horizon.
Four Hinge notifications appeared in quick succession on my home screen: I had a new match named Jake. I scrolled down and saw that Jake wasn’t wasting his time. He wanted to meet. Now.
I really didn’t want to do it. It was 9pm and I was in my pajamas watching it. BridgertonThe last thing I wanted to do was go out, which would feel like an invitation for sex, so on this night my instinct was to make myself a priority, but I was hit with a bit of guilt that I was failing the date.
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I couldn’t help but feel bored and a little selfish for wanting to stay home. A little voice in my head whispered that I’d be alone forever if I continued. Why was a message from a stranger having this effect on me? Turns out, Jake was on my phone, one of the guys who asked me to meet up right away after matching.
Interactions on dating apps are becoming increasingly fast. This apparent cultural shift is a response to the “swipe fatigue” that began plaguing the dating industry in 2018. This swipe fatigue led daters to get countless matches but engage in low-quality interactions without actually dating in person. “Breadcramming” – daters who chat endlessly with their matches with no intention of meeting them – was a disaster for those looking for genuine love rather than penpals. Daters became increasingly frustrated with the accumulation of matches that never seemed to lead to a serious offline relationship.
Maybe we’ve overcorrected, now that the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. But we can fix this. You can bring balance back into the world of online dating by being honest about wanting to chat online before meeting in person. If you need some self-care and don’t feel like explaining why, you don’t have to. If your schedule is packed, suggest alternatives like a voice memo or FaceTime. It’s totally okay to say no if your match says they want to meet right away. Try not to feel guilty about it, if you can.
As for me, I didn’t have any grudge against Jake. But I had never really spoken to him, so I had no idea if we were compatible, personality-wise. I wondered if I should spend the mental energy explaining why we couldn’t meet right now. But, to be honest, I didn’t feel like it. There was no need to explain anything. I ignored the request, put my phone away, and pressed play on the TV remote.
A few days later, feeling well-rested after many nights on the couch, I came across a tweet that resonated with me: Poorna Behl, an author and journalist who writes about mental health, tweeted that if a match asks to meet up without prior notice, “don’t feel guilty or think you’ll miss out on your ‘soulmate’ if you don’t meet up. Work it around your schedule.”
The tweet may have been deleted
“I know it’s not that easy, but the right person will wait,” Bell said. Added“The right person will understand that you have a life too, and won’t be so self-centered that you drop everything to meet up with a stranger. And that it’s just as important to take time for yourself, even if it’s just sitting on the couch watching Netflix.”
Mashable After Dark
From talking to friends, I knew I wasn’t the only one who felt this way, but Bell’s tweet made me realize that the decision I made that night was the right one.
On-demand dating has been on the rise for a while now, and with growing frustrations over breadcrumbs and swipe fatigue, it’s no surprise that people are looking to set up a date right away. This shift in dating culture may explain why more and more potential dates are sliding into your inbox, asking to meet up right away.
Dating apps are also contributing to this shift, with some popular apps actively encouraging users to meet sooner. “Being asked out on a date immediately after matching with someone online can be overwhelming,” Naomi Walkland, associate director of marketing for Europe and the Middle East at Bumble, told Mashable.
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“At Bumble, we encourage you to meet as soon as possible,” Walkland added. “That’s one of the reasons we offer a 24-hour response time to keep the momentum going between you and your match.” Once this limited time is up, your match will expire and you will no longer be able to contact them. There is an option to extend this time, especially if you don’t have “first move privileges” (Bumble’s feature that allows only one person to hit it off first).
Hinge CMO Nathan Ross echoed this sentiment: “In today’s digital world, singles are so busy matching that they’re not actually making the in-person connections that matter,” Ross told Mashable. “As a dating app that’s ‘designed to be deleted,’ we’re always encouraging our users to take things offline and have great dates,” Ross continued.
Dating culture has changed to combat swipe fatigue, but not all online daters are on board with this new immediacy.
Adele, a home care assistant who prefers to use only her first name because her surname is well known, said she feels “super scared and a bit skeptical” when a match wants to meet straight away.
But she doesn’t feel pressured to meet up. “Especially after some of the horror stories you see and my own experiences with online dating, my first thought is my own safety and security,” Adele says. “If someone is pushing to meet up right away without chatting online a bit first, I definitely won’t go for it.”
She likes to “vet thoroughly first” and look at a person’s Facebook and Instagram profiles before meeting. “I’ve dated a few guys through online dating and they are kind, sensible men who completely understand that a woman wants to be as safe as possible when dating a stranger alone,” she added. “My advice would be, if they’re not comfortable with you turning them down straight away, then stay away. If they’re worth meeting, they’ll understand.”
Alcohol producer Sam Espensen said she used to feel pressured when matched, especially when potential partners were pushing her to meet up. She once agreed, only to cancel a few hours before the date. “My spider sense kicked in and I was right. The partner had major flaws,” she said, explaining that the man was “aggressive, stalkerish, wouldn’t accept rejection and didn’t understand why women would feel anxious about meeting someone so quickly.”
She offered some great advice for people who might be feeling pressured.
“Take a step back and think about why they’re pressuring you,” she says. “If they really like you, they’ll do a bit of research before meeting you and keep in touch online or over the phone for a while.” She says that someone pressuring you this early on is likely to continue to do so in the future. “If they’re really pushy, they probably don’t expect you to agree to meet after talking online for a while, and they might have bad intentions,” she adds.
If you want to meet up with someone, Sam suggests telling them you’re bringing a friend: “Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know!”
There are other ways to “meet” without taking the step of meeting in person. Some daters use WhatsApp voice memos to “pre-screen” potential dates before meeting in person. If you’re comfortable chatting over voice memos, it gives you the opportunity to get to know your match’s personality before committing to a date. If your schedule is packed, you can also try a quick video chat over FaceTime. Bumble also has a video calling feature that allows you to chat face-to-face on the app without revealing your mobile number. If you hit it off over a voice memo or video chat, you can take it to an in-person date.
Dating culture is at its peak, but you don’t have to drop everything to keep up with the pace. There are times in everyone’s life when you can’t meet right away. Sometimes your busy work schedule doesn’t align with your match. Other times, you’re free but just need a break. The right person will understand. Don’t feel bad about making yourself a priority.
This article was first published in 2020 and republished in 2024.
