Parents labeling their child’s friends as a negative influence can backfire.

Parents labeling their child’s friends as a negative influence can backfire.

Francine Russo

Parents have always blamed their children’s friends for their teens’ misbehavior. Children may say they have “fallen into bad company” or “joined the wrong crowd.” To combat what they see as harmful influences, parents have responded with strategies such as criticizing wayward peers or banning contact altogether. This type of parental reaction has been recorded from the Netherlands to China.

In fact, the question remains whether making these purported negative effects off-limits actually helps children. According to child psychology researchers, the answer is “not at all.” In fact, this kind of response will backfire. Researchers have found in several studies that parental disapproval and restrictions on spending time with perceived villains actually make problem behavior worse — and experts don’t know exactly why. I don’t know. “People have seen this, and they scratch their heads and say they don’t know what to make of it,” says Brett Laursen, a psychologist at Florida Atlantic University.

Previous research has provided a partial explanation that fits most parents’ experiences. When children begin to develop an identity separate from their parents, they resist parental direction and control. As a musical father fantastics “The devil always pays/The moment you say no,” he sings. A study titled “Forbidden friends are forbidden fruit” by researchers at Utrecht University in the Netherlands used a sample of Dutch boys around 13 years old to prove this truism. Trouble is, the boys are looking for their off-limits friends and sticking around. result? Their own problematic behavior (defined as acts such as vandalism, theft, and arson) increased.

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Such defiant behavior is only part of the answer. These interactions are actually a complex mix of motives. Laursen, along with co-author Goda Kaniušonytė, present a broader explanation in the new study. Researchers questioned about 600 Lithuanian boys and girls aged 9 to 14 at the beginning, middle and end of the school year. At each point in time, students can write various questions on their tablets about their feelings, their actions (from shoplifting to breaking windows), their relationship with their mother, and their feelings about the friends their mother has and the friends their mother would have liked. answered the question. —For example, excellent students.

It included important aspects that had not been considered in previous studies. The researchers measured maternal disapproval at each time point. They also asked children to list classmates they liked, disliked, or found disturbing.

A clear pattern emerged. When a child’s mother disapproved of a friend’s behavior, the child’s friends, in turn, disliked the child and the child’s behavior worsened. It makes sense that problem behavior is associated with rejection, Laursen said. “The mystery is why the mother’s intervention caused more problems. It’s because they are disliked by their classmates. Children don’t like their parents to intervene in their peer relationships.” She added that excluded children are more likely to hang out with other excluded children who are more likely to have behavioral problems themselves.

Nina Mounts, a developmental psychologist at Northern Illinois University, said the idea that parents interfering with peer friendships could make a child seem “uncool” to their peers and set them on a destructive trajectory is far from true. He says it’s a new insight. This is consistent with research showing that banning is probably not a good strategy for parents, she says. “On the other hand, counseling children can lead to more prosocial behavior, increased empathy, and improved social skills.”

The tension of finding your place can make it difficult to overcome the dangers of being a teenager. “Adolescence is a very anxious time,” says Vanessa Braddon, a Chicago-based family therapist. “Children are trying to figure out who their peers are.” Parents may be tempted to express their distaste for certain friendships, but they should reserve judgment and tell their friends how quickly they It would be better to express understanding of your child’s situation, such as whether they need to fit in, she says. “I know kids are vaping and drinking alcohol, but I’m most concerned about what you’re doing and how you can be safe,” she suggested. I might. If you find out that your child is doing something dangerous with their friends, you can express how serious it is and give appropriate punishment. For example, spend two weeks at home after school without playing video games. But she advises that saying “we can’t be friends anymore” shouldn’t be a punishment.

Erica Lee, a clinical psychologist at Boston Children’s Hospital, advises parents to take a deep breath, remain calm, and understand what their child actually did and why. You may only know part of the story, she says. “It’s important to say to your children that you want to understand what happened from your perspective.” Why certain friends are so attractive to them despite enabling behaviors that have negative consequences You can ask if it is. Behavior is rarely severe enough to require a child to be separated from friends and risk social isolation, she said. Therapy may be an option for children with such problems.

Laursen said the key takeaway from his research is that parental interference in children’s friendships not only disrupts children’s social lives, but also damages parent-child relationships. “And one of the things we know is that for parents to be effective in middle school, children need to have close, warm relationships with them,” he says. “In other words, you have to stay in the game. And if you try to separate your child from their friends, you automatically leave yourself out of the game.”